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Thanksgiving Rant

A cold nip in the air. The aroma of hot pie and savory foods floating through the house on mysterious currents. Dry leaves outside and the promise of a long winter ahead.

Warm and fuzzy personal memories of dinners and tryptophan-induced post- meal stupors. Of times when the whole family would gather, try to lay down their perennial swords, call a truce and eat. Usually, though, it would just degenerate into a round of arguing and insults - the same petty arguments that had been going on for decades and were renewed every Thanksgiving and Christmas - the only times that we all gathered together long enough for a good fight.

Think of all those poor turkeys. For them, it's like Auschwitz, Hiroshima, Ted Bundy, and Cambodia all rolled into one

Bad Karma on Thanksgiving. It started when we fucked over the Indians, right? That first, dark season in Plymouth when the tiny colony might have just dried up and become a footnote to history. They extended their hand to us in kindness and welcome. 
They gave us corn and showed us how to plant it. They pulled our butts out of the proverbial fire and what do we do? We all sat down at the same table to eat, then we spent the next two hundred-something years stealing their land, trying to exterminate them, and wiping out their culture. If they could have looked into a crystal ball before sitting down with us on that first Thanksgiving, I wonder whether anyone in Plymouth would have had a scalp the next day. Yeah, that's when all this shit started.

And then there are the turkeys. Think of all those poor turkeys. For them, it's like Auschwitz, Hiroshima, Ted Bundy, and Cambodia all rolled into one - and it happens EVERY YEAR, again and again, like clockwork.
What does the media say about it? They'll pay the obligatory visit to a turkey farm, where the blood of yet another generation will be methodically spilled and, once again, MILLIONS of turkey heads will roll in the blood and dust of the death factories and killing fields.

A few trite words on "giving thanks" and "remembering those less fortunate," and then the networks just move on to the football scores

Beyond that, though, and a few trite words on "giving thanks" and "remembering those less fortunate," the networks will just move on to the football scores and more food and beer commercials.

Our nation's leader will "pardon" one turkey, sparing it from the death machine. This has happened 50 times in the past 50 years, a symbolic expunging of our collective guilt. It's like trying to clean the countless buckets of turkey blood off our hands with a Wet-Nap. And where do those pardoned birds go, I wonder? Off to breed? Their unborn offspring's feet already stand on the conveyor belt of death and turkey injustice. What did this poor bird do to deserve this, aside from being phenomenally dumb?

And if it's true, that the turkey's main sin is being fat, dumb, and basically flightless, then what does that bode for this country? This country, where the dumbing-down process just accelerates every year via the all encroaching, plague-like grip of TV, which is rapidly lowering our group and individual intelligence. Eventually, of course, evolution will take its course and the dumbing will be codified in our degraded genes.

Could it be that the inventors of TV were actually aliens, strategically landing here to implant the numbing, dumbing technology of television to idiotize and fatten us up?

What will happen *then*? Will we become a nation of turkeys? The poor prey to a race of superior beings with greater intellect? Could it be that the inventors of TV were actually aliens, strategically landing here to implant the numbing, dumbing technology of television to idiotize and fatten us up? To get us ready for the big harvest? 
Wouldn't that be that ultimate irony, that we were being fattened up on turkey for some alien planet's grand version of our own Thanksgiving? Yes, the food chain always has a few extra links that we don't know about until it's TOO LATE.

And back on Earth the image, seared on our brains, of a glowing brown bird corpse on a platter, steaming away, and the head of another fractured post-nuclear family poised with carving knife and fork, about to slice away great hunks of flesh to feed his obese brood. In towns and cities across the country, the picture of neighborhoods brimming with the food packaging landfill that won't decay for centuries, that will strangle us and the planet long after this nation and the concept of Thanksgiving are dim memories.

Yes, it's a special day. Go! Renew the bonds of family. Show some gratitude for all the blessings in your life over the past year. Give a thought to the pilgrims and how hard their lot was. And by all means...

HAPPY FUCKING THANKSGIVING!!!

--Paul Vee

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